Is it stalking or harassment, and how do I get rid of him?

Moderators: Harakeke, Mod Squad, SVS Moderators

<<

one5eight

Posts: 5

Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2012 12:32 pm

Location: Southeastern US

Post Sun Nov 04, 2012 1:11 pm

Is it stalking or harassment, and how do I get rid of him?

Hello,

I'm brand new to the forum, which I'm very glad is here. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with a person who is contacting me unwantedly and has been for several years.

A little background. In 2010 I met a guy at church who was very friendly. We talked, and he invited me to stop by his apartment to hang out for a bit, which I thought was fine since I was new to the area and trying to make friends. Incidentally, I'm also a guy in my mid 20s, similar to him, and I'm gay, though I'd been for better or worse trying to "be straight" for a few years. Within a few minutes of being at his house, it becomes stunningly clear that he's trying to seduce me. I was too shocked to react for a few minutes except to try to push him away, but manage to get out of his house safe but very rattled after a few minutes.

For the next few weeks, I tried to forgive him, but I learned very quickly that he would say anything he could to manipulate me. I asked him to stop contacting me, threatening to talk to mutual friends at the church (he's closeted bi, had a girlfriend, etc.). I didn't actually talk to them, but I should have.

Fortunately, I moved a few months later, so he no longer knew my address. However, he continued to write me, text me, and call me. He even had his girlfriend call me to say that she hoped I could come visit them. I would normally not respond, but occasionally I would change tactics, trying to be nice to him and hoping he had changed. I went for a year without answering any messages, and he kept calling.

I recently moved again, but it's gotten no better, maybe even worse. He looked up somewhere my student ID number for grad school, which he sent to me in a text message, and he has started texting me sexually explicit messages.

I've been ignoring him for the past few months, but I don't know what to do to make him stop. He's contacted me through email, facebook, texts, and calls. He has never threatened me, but I'm afraid that if he ever finds out my address that he might come to my house. There is enough information about me online where he could pretty easily figure out my work address. I have not seen him in two years, but he has invited me to come visit him numerous times, and he calls or messages me every few weeks with only occasional and rather cold reciprocation. I do not think that he is physically dangerous now, but I have a lot of trouble understanding his motivations, so I'm not sure. I'm also afraid that he could become dangerous in the future.

Another piece of side information. I do not believe that he is a U.S. citizen, but is rather working in the U.S. after attending grad school here. His employer is either the federal government or a government contractor. Also, he no longer lives in the city where I met him, so we no longer have any active friends in common.

First of all, is this stalking or just some sort of harassment? Second, is there any advice on how to get him to leave me alone?

Thanks for your thoughts. I've really been at a dead-end on what to do.
<<

woodie

Posts: 1804

Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:45 am

Post Mon Nov 05, 2012 2:22 pm

158

Welcome to the forum...glad you found us.

This is stalking. Continue to ignore him and do not reply. Block him from your phone and computer in any way possible. Save all evidence such as messages, texts, emails, etc. Keep a log of all incidences and contact.

You could have an attorney send him a "cease and desist" letter stating that he not contact you in any way. Then if he does after that, you can go make a report with the police and show the evidence you have.

Hopefully it will not escalate from this to include more of this type or other types of stalking. Since you have moved twice, maybe in time if you continue to ignore him, he will find someone else to occupy his time.

Good luck & keep us posted.
<<

one5eight

Posts: 5

Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2012 12:32 pm

Location: Southeastern US

Post Fri Nov 09, 2012 5:05 pm

Thanks for the advice, Woodie. The perspective really helps. I'll keep ignoring him and let you know how it goes.
<<

sparta

Posts: 35

Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2011 6:33 am

Post Sat Nov 10, 2012 7:56 pm

Out Him

edit
Last edited by sparta on Sun Mar 16, 2014 2:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
<<

give it up

Posts: 76

Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2011 6:45 am

Post Tue Nov 13, 2012 8:12 am

Yes, ignoring him is a great idea. I wish the best and I hope that by showing Mr. Delusional who thinks he is "THE PERFECT GUY" FOR YOU that you prefer to work hard and do relevant things like A JOB instead of supporting him or being forced to think about him all of the time...he is a bad person with psychological problems but by showing him you prefer to concentrate on YOU and your WORK or YOUR concerns, it might teach him not to feed his obsession.

It might put a damper on his obsession if he learned you have important work to do, or that you might have a family or plans, and that those things are none of his business. Like that you're not his "dream girl" or something and you'd rather starve to death than know anything about him.

I mean, I had to leave my old job and the guy is still obsessing, which is unnerving. I said, you have a college education, why don't you stop claiming you have anything in common with me. Clearly I am more interested in my work and family than you. Shouldn't you be that way too if you're a "professional"?

Of course it doesn't work with a delusional persistent obsessive, but it might take the edge off of it. Like he might quiet down for a while when he realizes you are not the person he fantasizes about.

He's so obsessive that when my relative died, of course he sees the obituary in the paper. He calls a relative of mine to say he "cares". He just does this to get a piece of me. Makes me want to vomit. This from a monster who demands a pay raise one week after his mother dies, so it's not like he cares about anyone. Demanding that he stop this behavior doesn't work. Obsession can only be stopped through psychological tactics - throw them behind bars and they will still obsess or even get angry.

So I relocated and cut him off, changed my job. I won't even look at my old employer's web site or give him any money. I don't talk to the people who still work there. I won't go to places he goes to - online or off. He needs to learn. If deliberately not being the person he thinks he "cares" about means sacrifice, it's worth it. Sometimes this is the only justice we can get, destroying the thing that feeds the obsession.
<<

one5eight

Posts: 5

Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2012 12:32 pm

Location: Southeastern US

Post Tue Dec 09, 2014 8:15 am

Re: Is it stalking or harassment, and how do I get rid of hi

Hi all,

Thanks so much for your helpful support and advice. It really means a lot to me.

I wanted to give an update on the situation. I kept ignoring this guy for the past two years. When he kept sending sexually explicit texts, I wrote back angry texts pretending to be someone new who had the phone number now, and that seemed to do the trick. Emails kept coming occasionally, but things died down for about a year.

A few weeks ago I signed up to a Skype-like app that one of my friends out of the country uses so I could talk with him. I didn't think that this could expose me. A few days later I received a short, almost friendly anonymous message on the app that I suspect came from this person. A few days after that, a classmate received an email from someone asking for my phone number to discuss my research. I'm in graduate school, so this isn't unheard of. He forwarded it to me, and I exchanged two emails with this person before it became evident that it was my stalker. Almost the exact same time as my classmate had received the email, the admin at my office received a call from someone going by another name and claiming to be interested in my research. When she forwarded me the message, I realized that the phone number and alma mater were the same as my stalker's.

This crossed a line that he hadn't before. I felt that my silence wasn't working and was afraid that he would continue. He had previously harassed and tried to molest at least two other guys from the same church as me, and had eventually stopped bothering them. Based on their stories, it appeared that he responded to threats of exposure. I called him on Sunday, cursed at him, told him never to contact me, and threatened to publish the record of his communication for the past two years if he ever contacted me again. I recorded the call. I'm not sure if this will work. Yesterday I received two calls from a blocked number, which is very rare, but no message was left.

He's never threatened me, but I am scared since he's obsessed and unstable. I want to live without worrying about this creep or being concerned that he might come to my office next time instead of calling. I don't think he's broken any laws, and he hasn't physically followed me, so I'm not sure if there's any benefit to reporting him to the police. I think he is going through the immigration process, and I do wish that this was on his record. He had a pattern of harassing guys in the city where I met him, and I'm confident that he is doing the same in the city where he lives now.

You all are great! Thanks for the support!
<<

one5eight

Posts: 5

Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2012 12:32 pm

Location: Southeastern US

Post Wed Dec 10, 2014 4:30 pm

Re: Is it stalking or harassment, and how do I get rid of hi

One more thing. He did contact me, actually through several calls and an email. I guess that means I'm publishing everything then? Flying by the seat of my pants.
<<

Chazzy

Posts: 2069

Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2004 2:52 am

Post Sun Dec 14, 2014 2:51 pm

Re: Is it stalking or harassment, and how do I get rid of hi

The stalking laws have changed and most states now have provisions regarding cyberstalking so you might want to check to see if the laws in your state have changed.

Most large cities, and some of the smaller cities, have "domestic violence" units in their police departments and they handle stalking cases as well. You might want to check with your police department. Make sure you keep a record of your "warning" to him and then document every incident. Even though the calls may be blocked the calls may be traced back to him just the same. You might want to check into filing a telephone harassment complaint if the calls continue and become regular. That is easily prosecuted and the issue of stalking can be added to any charges.

Sending you an angel.
<<

one5eight

Posts: 5

Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2012 12:32 pm

Location: Southeastern US

Post Sat Jan 10, 2015 4:59 am

Re: Is it stalking or harassment, and how do I get rid of hi

PS: On the whole publishing thing. I haven't published his communication online. I did share it with a friend and my fiance (who's known for a while). My fiance texted him from a google number, the stalker thought I had posted things about him online (like I'd threatened), and he flipped out. He himself threatened to write people at my job and accuse me of being a pedophile, thief, rapist, etc. I'm not too concerned since anyone who knows me wouldn't give those things a second thought. When I told him I'd shared with friends instead of posting online, he was back to his normal mocking self within a few hours. I would publish online since the truth sounds pretty bad for him but (1) I don't want to be in a position to be accused of braking any privacy or anti-defamation laws myself, and (2) I'm afraid of him blaming me and becoming obsessed (only with negative emotions) if the posts actually affected any of his relationships. I mean, this guy supposedly has a girlfriend. I feel awful for her (he sends me her pictures sometimes, but I don't know her).

Return to Am I Being Stalked?

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests

cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group.
Designed by ST Software Change colors.